Over the past few days and for some time hereafter, a lot of people
have been telling and are going to tell you a lot of things about
this big, bad university community of which you are now a proud
member. But they haven't been telling you the whole truth by a damn
sight, tiger. To fill in the gaps, the Dec respectfully submits the
following dictionary of sorts. If you don't get them now, give
yourself a few weeks.
All-nighter: (n) With only 12 hours between you and the
Chemistry 141 midterm, you can't distinguish a noble gas
from the results of eating chicken tetrazzini at O-Hill.
Grab some Vivarin, a sixer of Jolt, and pray. Usually used
with the infinitive "to pull."
A-School: (n) Also "Play-Skool." The Architecture
School, where students play with blocks of wood and
construction paper while the rest of the university
quietly slumbers. Sponsors the Beaux Arts Ball, the only
one worth going to in this dirty ol' town.
Ed-School: (n) The School of Education, where students
learn to teach others to play with blocks of wood and
construction paper. Only takes five years.
E-School: (n) The Engineering School, where students
find the coefficient of friction of blocks of wood and
construction paper. Home of "Toolies."
Comm. School: (n) The McIntire School of Commerce,
where students learn how to exploit the talents of other
schools by marketing blocks of wood and construction
paper.
The College: (n) We don't do shit.
Brown College: (n) "Where the politicos meet the freaks."
A cheery white cluster of portals where U.Va.'s cultural
elitists and Lawnies-in-waiting reside in splendid
isolation. Supposedly exclusive, yet members are selected
by lottery. (You figure it out.)
Hereford College: (n) Soon to secede. Hereford
University to open in fall '99.
Mosaic House: (n) Multicultural student housing. The
university's answer to Noah's ark.
Gooch: (n) Upper-class housing on Alderman Road. (v)
To get shafted, as in, "Man, I got so gooched on those
concert tickets -- I wanted reserved seating but all I got
was lawn."
Jefferson Scholars: (n) Get paid to attend school. Will
redeliver their entire salutatory address while polishing
their Mary and Louise J. Eggleston Award for Outstanding
Achievement in the Field of Excellence to a spit-shined
gleam.
Echols Scholars: (n) Jaded, pot-smoking CLAS honor
program students with no area requirements, priority
registration, and the ultra-real-world-pragmatic
"no-major" option. They're the reason the class you want
is full.
Rodman Scholars: (n) Bulbous-skulled, eyeless,
translucent E-school honors program students. Will refuse
even to meet your gaze unless you refer to them by their
Advanced Dungeons & Dragons call name (e.g. Rosencrantz
Ironfist).
UTS: (n) University Transit Service. Ludicrous crowding
fosters ruthlessly Darwinesque competition for a coveted
spot on board. Unlucky saps who cannot squeeze behind the
yellow line are doomed to eat bus dust as they walk to
class. Be sure to have your bus pass ready!
BBS: (n) The Black Bus Stop. The UTS stop near the
Comm. School. Still going strong, despite temporary
relocation last year. Not to be confused with the common
acronym for a modem-dialup Bulletin Board Service -- get
these mixed up in a conversation and you will look stupid.
ISIS: (n) Integrated Student Information System. A faster,
more efficient, and technologically superior bureaucracy
devoted to compounding and rerouting all inquiries while
simultaneously screwing students over in record time.
Continues to hold true to the long-standing policy of
complete disregard of students' needs and interests. Web
version a real Bodo. (see Bodo)
ITC: (n) Information Technology and Communication.
Only four people on staff actually know what they're
doing, and they all hate each other. And they all hate
you, too.
Beast: (n) Milwaukee's Best, the Hairy Buffalo, or Piss
Water. Breakfast of champions. As in "Unleash the."
The Corner: (n) A paradoxically straight stretch of road
with a $1.4 million sidewalk and no parking. After dark, a
place to mingle with townies who hate your sorry,
privileged ass.
Shady Grady: (n) The famed location of local (Un)Lucky 7.
Where students, townspeople, and car stereo thieves meet.
Notable porn collection.
Espresso Corner: (n) Urbane haven for clove-smoking
turtlenecked conspicuous pseudo-intellectuals. Or, the
locally owned version of the franchised coffee experiences
to be had at "Espresso Royale with Cheese" and the
juggernautish soon-to-take-over-your-neighborhood-too
Starbucks.
Gusburger: (n) White Spot specialty, the Gus is a
cheeseburger "all the way" with a fried egg on top.
Enjoy the clash of the intestinal titans as
salmonella and E. coli battle it out in your ulcerated gut.
Beta Bridge: (n) Biggest
bulletin board on grounds and the site for weekly
nocturnal emissions, artwork, and homophobic graffiti.
Don't believe what you read.
Bid Night: (n) That magical time of year when greek
organizations extend invitations to their respective inner
sancta. If you disliked seventh grade the first time
around you're better off not giving a shit.
Chafe: (n) That which, or who, rubs one's psyche raw. "I
sat on a Twinkie in Wilson Hall -- what a chafe."
Sketchy: (adj.) See also fresh fruit section of Unlucky 7.
Term connoting vague sensations of fear and distrust. "The
veal was sketchy, so I opted for three bowls of Cap'n
Crunch."
NoVa: (n) Northern Virginia. An endless suburban
proto-hell of concrete, tract housing, and Taco Bells.
Sexile (also "sexcommunication"): (n) The awkward
sleeping arrangements that occur when your roommate is
hooking up. Preferable to the alternative.
Foxfield: (n) A twice a year treat from the Old South.
Combine Port-a-potty lines, grain alcohol, and
aristocracy. Bake for six hours in the hot sun; pass out
in the back of your car. Add horses to taste.
Walk of Shame: (n) Post hook-up early morning
ritual, usually accompanied by feelings of deep regret
and self-loathing. Participants are easily
discernible by the pair of soiled underwear wadded in
their back pocket.
Tavern: (n) Post-coital breakfast date -- a step up
from the Walk of Shame (q.v.). Basically a hook-up
with an option to lease.
Futon: (n) A.k.a. "Flip 'n' Fuck."
Grounds: (n) What would be called the "campus" if
you went to Tech.
The Lawn: (n) The eighteenth green of academia, the
Lawn is the grassy area that stretches from the Rotunda to
Cabell Hall. Flanking the Lawn is Hibachi City, home of
Virginia's politicos, fireplaces, and bathrooms within
walking distance. Inhabitants of this venerable location
are commonly referred to as "Lawnies," among other
unprintable (even for us) names, although "sink-pisser"
will work in a pinch.
Bodo: (n) Continually hyped but as yet unrealized event.
"'Dude, I heard Dave Matthews is playing Trax next week.'
'Naw, chief, that's a total Bodo.'" (interj.) Mid-coital
exclamation. "BODO ... coming ... soon!"
Mr. Jefferson: (n) The founder of our university, and
incidentally the third president of the United States.
Usually referred to as if he were in the next room. Mr.
Jefferson never received a doctorate, and to soothe his
still-troubled ego, university protocol dictates that no
professor without an M.D. be called "doctor."
Politico: (n) A madly ambitious, power-hungry,
world-conquering student-leader type, easily identified as
the person who launches his/her career by winning a hotly
contested race for First Year Council Representative. The
rewards for the politico's four-year struggle include a
Lawn room and invitations to cocktail parties.
Wahoo: (n) A fish that can drink its own weight:. Natural
habitat, the University of Virginia. Aren't you proud?
Write home and tell mama!
Stacks (prop. n): No, not a colloquialism for a well endowed woman, rather
the hellish Valhalla of Toolies; complete with winding staircase and scent
of desperation.